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For you, what is the funniest thing at the news ticker?

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Comments

  • Lava_EntityLava_Entity Posts: 2,398Member ✭✭✭
    Datrebor said:

    News : Remains of "Old Ladies" found frozen in the middle of growing fleshy structures.

    ;-;
    cease your tomfoolery

  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    It thought we would go away by selling us. How quaint. - Grandma
  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    It tried to get rid of us. The nasty little thing. - Grandma
  • Lava_EntityLava_Entity Posts: 2,398Member ✭✭✭
    News: "Why do we need antimatter condensers to bake cookies?" asks misguided local woman.
    cease your tomfoolery

  • DragonDragon Posts: 293Member ✭✭
    every grandma one
    damn son
    this is me
  • DatreborDatrebor Posts: 63Member ✭✭
    large "flesh highways" scar continent. Stretch between various cookie facilities.
  • The_Cookie_MonsterThe_Cookie_Monster Posts: 238Member ✭✭
    "We rise" ~grandma
    I AM YODA
    all my friends in the whole entire world: @The_Cookie_Monster, @Drago_Meh, @Maniklas, @McJagger, @Lefian.
    I am r a i n b o w ! !
    "RIP being able to show off cool dragons easily." ~Lefian
    meh
    RIP being able to show off cool dragons easily.
  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    Tourism to cookieverse popular with bored teenagers. Casuality rate as high as 73 %
  • Lava_EntityLava_Entity Posts: 2,398Member ✭✭✭
    Time machines used in unlawful time tourism!
    cease your tomfoolery

  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    Cookiemanufacturer downsizes. Sell own grandmother.
  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    Cookieflavoured popcorn sale exploded during screening of Grandmothers II: the Moistening
  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    All scorpions turned into scorpions in freak magic accident
  • borjitasstoiborjitasstoi Posts: 4Member
    edited June 2017
    cookiemon gotta upgrade em all
    the cookie bang theory
    who s that cookiemon?
  • gordonrmaseygordonrmasey Posts: 24Member
    rape
  • Lava_EntityLava_Entity Posts: 2,398Member ✭✭✭

    rape

    ..........
    cease your tomfoolery

  • bob_32_116bob_32_116 Posts: 788Member ✭✭✭
    I have an idea people are making some of these up. Some of them I definitely have never seen on the news ticker.
  • The_Cookie_MonsterThe_Cookie_Monster Posts: 238Member ✭✭
    edited July 2017
    Defo

    But you can actually check the source code lol.

    I remember seeing a section with all the news ticker possibilities, and the likelihood of each one, listed. You could just ctrl+c, switch tabs, ctrl+f, and check. ;)

    Edit:
    Oh wait, here it is; I found it. I will make a Pastebin page when I can (the raw text exceeds maximum post length).
    I AM YODA
    all my friends in the whole entire world: @The_Cookie_Monster, @Drago_Meh, @Maniklas, @McJagger, @Lefian.
    I am r a i n b o w ! !
    "RIP being able to show off cool dragons easily." ~Lefian
    meh
    RIP being able to show off cool dragons easily.
  • Lava_EntityLava_Entity Posts: 2,398Member ✭✭✭
    edited July 2017
    All cookies turned into muffins in freak magic accident!

    "Nobody likes muffins."
    ~~Orteil
    cease your tomfoolery

  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    million-to-one event sees gritty movie reboot turningout better than the original! "We have no idea how this happened", say movie execs
  • Lava_EntityLava_Entity Posts: 2,398Member ✭✭✭
    "A local news network runs a 10 minute segment about your cookies! Success!"



    (You win a cookie.)
    cease your tomfoolery

  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    local casino ruined as all gamblers somehow hit a week-long winning streak! "We might still be ok", says owner before being hit by lightning 47 times.
  • kjerstivalkjerstival Posts: 32Member ✭✭
    Long-eared rodents invade suburbs, spread terror and chocolate
  • dparejadpareja Posts: 460Member ✭✭✭
    News : cookie manufacturer completely forgoes common sense, lets OCD drive building decisions!
  • ChocolateMachineChocolateMachine Posts: 106Member ✭✭
    News : just how extensive is the cookie pantheon? Theologians speculate about possible god(dess) of _____.

    This has been on the news ticker at least since v2. And now we know exactly how extensive the cookie pantheon is.
  • dparejadpareja Posts: 460Member ✭✭✭
    edited August 2017
    "News : strange statistical anomalies continue as weather forecast proves accurate an unprecedented 3 days in a row!"

    "News : neighboring nation somehow elects president with sensible policies in freak accident of random chance!"

    "News : million-to-one event sees gritty movie reboot turning out better than the original! "We have no idea how this happened", say movie execs."

    EDIT: Looking through the source code linked above, not a ticker quote, but a comment:

    When he computes a way to check if it's Easter, since that day moves through the calendar sort of at random (depending on the lunar cycle), the function is really complicated and he comments: "easter is a pain goddamn"

    EDIT #2: More poring over the source code turned up this comment:

    "note : these showIf functions stop working beyond 10 quadrillion prestige level, due to loss in precision; the solution, of course, is to make sure 10 quadrillion is not an attainable prestige level"

    This is in reference to the hidden GC heavenly upgrades.

    Challenge accepted, Orteil. Challenge accepted.

    (Note: this will require baking 1 novemdecillion cookies, or 1 decillion if you prefer long scale. Anyway, it'd be 10^60.)
    Post edited by dpareja on
  • bob_32_116bob_32_116 Posts: 788Member ✭✭✭
    ^^ The mathematician Gauss was the first to devise a formula to calculate the date of Easter in any given year. Although there are quite a lot of steps involved, they involve only basic arithmetical operations, and it would be fairly easy to encode into a computer program.

    The algorithm is here:
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computus
    (Scroll down to "Gauss algorithm".)
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